From: Javana Richardson Subject: NEW BOOK! THE STAR DWARVES TRAVESTY Date: 10 Feb 1995 02:58:02 GMT Below is the Prologue from a new book satarizing the first Star Wars Trilogy. The Star Dwarves Travesty, ISBN# 1- 56901-298-9, is available at Barnes&Noble, Waldenbooks, B.Dalton Booksellers, Media Play and many other book sellers. Please feel free to comment on the book. We hope you enjoy the excerpt. HAPPY READING! THE STAR DWARVES TRAVESTY by David J. RichardsonŠ PROLOGUE A few weeks back, over on the other side of the mall, behind the discount store, lived a military order known as the Intergalactic Organization of Yeti Knights and Unclassifiable Aliens or more commonly, those damned fools in the togas. The Yeti Knights had ruled the galaxy for over six thousand years through a careful balance of outright military terrorism and the selective use of the basic life energy of all creatures. This was referred to simply as the Stuff and could be harnessed and manipulated by the highly trained minds of the Master Yetis. The Master Yetis were the ruling council of the order, which was headquartered on the planet Co Lon. To qualify for the title of Master Yeti, a young Yeti Knight had to first gain the attention of the Council, usually by some stupendous deed such as trimming their own toenails without requiring either stitches or a transfusion afterwards. The prospective council member then had to demonstrate a high level of competence in the use of the Stuff, the light saber and the ancient art of nose fluting. The candidate had to survive a rigorous series of tests before the Grand Master and the Council of Masters and on many an evening the plaintive whining of the nose flute could be heard drifting down >from the council chambers, as another candidate blew his nose out in hopes of joining the company of the exalted ones. The original Yetis were high minded individuals of impeccable moral character who ruled the galaxy in a benevolent manner. Under the rule of the early Yetis, the weak and helpless were protected and prospered beside the strong and powerful. The entire galaxy enjoyed a golden age unlike anything known before. Unfortunately, their practice of intermarriage and limiting their new membership to idiot nephews and unemployable brothers-in-law led to a long line of less than inspiring leaders. Then came the election of a Grand Master of truly epic incompetence: Rectum IV. At first, Rectum's reign seemed no worse than any of the Grand Masters who had preceded him. He attended all the proper social events, threw out the first mucous ball of the season and opened hundreds of shopping centers. Everyone believed that if Rectum could just keep from accidentally pitching off the battlements of Yeti Castle, he would probably enjoy a long and mediocre reign. The first signs of trouble appeared when Rectum began subtly pressuring some of the older members of the Council to retire. One after another, the principal members of the Council found their belongings in an untidy heap outside their boarded up quarters, a gold plated watch bearing the smiling visage of Rectum and the inscription 'Bon Voyage. Write When You Get Work' balanced precariously on top. Not many could fail to get the hint. In place of the retired Master Yetis, Rectum began to pack the Council with his own relatives, none of whom stood taller than four feet. Within just a few months, the Council had come to resemble nothing more than a gathering of Cooter and the boys down at the filling station. Rectum also displayed a penchant for pursuits of a lower order involving those of less stature than normal. In a word, Dwarves. Instead of the evening nose flute concertos, Rectum lolled on his highchair chortling mightily to himself watching the little people roll around in mud filled tanks, while his council of ne'er do well relatives amused themselves with dwarf tossing. No longer did the gentle wail of the nose flute waft down the corridors of the Yeti Castle. The neophyte Yetis were instead treated to the sounds of meaty slaps and the grunts of bull dwarves catapulting through the air like sweaty missiles. There were grumblings that many of the new members were not even worthy of being a Yeti, much less sit on the Council and that Rectum had given himself over to the Wild Side of the Stuff. For the first time in Yeti history, dissension split the ranks. Knight vied against Knight in favor of either Rectum or any of the growing number of senior Knights who began to resist the edicts of the weakened Council. It soon became obvious that a change would have to be made or the Knights would plunge the galaxy into civil war. A diminutive, young knight by the name of Spartacus Skyscraper came to believe that Rectum and his Council would have to be cleaned out before any further damage was done to the reputation of the Yeti Knights. There were already rumors about Rectum's Home For Wayward Teenage Nymphettes. Spartacus gathered a group of like minded Yetis about him and laid plans for a military assault on Rectum's castle. Once the battle was joined, no quarter was asked or given. The Spartaculas, as they came to be called, quickly surrounded the Castle and cut-off the supply of mud and baby oil. An enraged Rectum responded by barraging the rebel camp with his now useless Dwarves. After these opening rounds, the war degenerated into a mental free-for-all with Knights using nothing more than the power of their minds to batter away at each other around the clock. Among the original Yetis, such mental combat was known to have destroyed whole planets, but in these diminished days, the battle of the minds produced only a few mild headaches and nosebleeds. In the end, Rectum's dwarves proved to be far more powerful than Spartacus and his stalwarts and the Grand Master's legions lifted the siege of Yeti Castle. Spartacus was taken captive and disappeared forever into the dungeons of Rectum. For many years after the abortive uprising of the old boy Yeti Knights, Rectum quietly solidified his position. He bought off many of the old dissidents with promises of cushy government jobs in return for their support. Those who still opposed him were rapidly transferred to the Galactic Postal Service, where they were reduced to delivering third class mail in gaily colored little trucks. Sure of his position, Rectum finally threw off the mask he had presented for the past several years and declared himself Emperor and Lord Protector of the Galaxy. Under his right hand stood a dark and sinister figure named Darth Dopey, but referred to as the Dork Lord by those in the know. The Yetis were ordered abolished and the Council replaced by a rubber stamp organization known as the Imperial Senate. The few remaining Yeti Knights were hustled aboard an old starship with a leaky warp drive for a free 'Victory Cruise' to Alpha Centauri. Witnesses later testified that they could see the explosion halfway across the galaxy. After several decades of tyranny by Emperor Rectum, some of the subject peoples of the Empire had once again risen in rebellion. The movement was widespread, but disorganized and had not presented any serious challenge to the Imperium, until recently. Now the various rebel groups had banded together and were posing a direct military threat to the Empire. The Emperor, knowing that there were many rebel sympathizers in the Imperial Senate, had ordered that body dissolved and was preparing to finally crush the rebellion. This is where our story begins.